I think about you at night, when I’m tossing and
turning, and I can’t sleep
The memories come fast, playing on the inside of my
eyelids like a projector
But memories can change
Can’t they
They’re selective, highlighting certain parts like rose-
colored glasses
Like the one of you, sitting in your heels, painted toes
down, glass by your hand
Always within reach
I watched you for hours
You were such a mess, but it was all
Calculated
To me and only me
It was beautiful
Or the one in the parking lot, frigid cold and misting
rain
Freezing in our crop tops and skinny jeans
Makeup running down your face, eyes blurred
“Where’s my phone? Where’s—”
“I have it, let’s go,” I repeat over and over again
I followed you around checking on you
Watching your drink, counting the cans
Holding everything for you
Letting you drink too much so I could
Take care of you, be what you needed, show you
I cared
Too much
That with me you could be safe
That I’d never hurt you
But you were never safe, you couldn’t be
What was I thinking
Why is everything always so fucked up
In one way or another
When it’s never intended
To be
Why are we never content?
Always wanting what we can’t have
Always wishing we were something else
Always missing something
A desire that has too many names
Or none at all
Numb it all
Hurry
I can’t stand the feeling.